By Tiffany Leigh Kent

There are no words to express the painful gash called grief. "A sickening panic deep in the gut" or "a sad and disabling remembrance" are cold and stale expressions of a fluid feeling that defies interpretation.

I can make the bold statement "there are no words to express grief," because I have grieved. My body has quivered due to a pain my mind could not comprehend. Even now, more than a year after my grandmother passed away, my mind still remains dormant, incapable of connecting words and phrases to describe what it feels like to lose a loved one.

Although the words may come slowly, the emotions run a frenzied spectrum just below words' conscious level. Hurt. Lonely. Sad. Angry. How does a person label what grief feels like?

"The feelings were indescribable," wrote Dr. Edward T. Creagan of the prestigious Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. Creagan is an oncologist and has researched the topics of grief and suffering extensively. Despite his more than 30 years of experience working with grieving patients, Creagan was still unprepared for his mother's death. The moment he learned about her death, his rational, well-educated demeanor dropped away. He immediately began reacting at a raw, emotional level.

"It was like having a two-by-four whipsawed across my abdomen," he described. "I felt as if every ounce of vitality was drained from me. Every ounce of vitality was required to keep from slumping to the floor."

Losing a loved one affects each person differently. Articulating the emotions, at least for many people, is complicated by hurriedness. Many individuals go through the motions at first, especially up to the day of the funeral. A frenzied rush to take care of all the necessary arrangements takes precedence. Being busy, at least for a while, serves as a soothing balm to the hurting spirit.

"I think there are many stages to grief. Initially there is a period of numbness," Wendie Countryman, Licensed Professional Counselor at Life Quest, Inc. in Kansas City, Mo. explained. "You go through the motions. The loss tends to sink in after the funeral. Before the funeral there are a lot of formal things to take your attention."

After the funeral, the stings of grief begin to wiggle into the psyche. Grief takes on a new form, just like an octopus with its many arms. Grief's arms, or divisions, are linked to its many emotions.

One moment a person is laughing and happy, the next moment a memory slips into his or her mind. Tears well up in the eyes and life grows painfully dim. These opposite emotions will crop up repeatedly.

Despite the emotional dichotomy grief takes, grieving is both natural and normal.

"If you don't face your grief and deal with your mourning, your wounds never quite go away," Creagan warned. "Unresolved grief can surface years later as headaches, intestinal problems, psychiatric difficulties, eating disorders or chemical dependency."

Grief is an internal process. It takes place in the mind and is rooted in emotions. Grief is therefore related to feelings. "I feel sad," or "I feel empty inside," are ways to describe various emotions that serve as synonyms for grief. Death, divorce, unemployment or any other type of loss can cause grief.

Mourning, on the other hand, is the outward symbol that means a person is grieving. People tend to wear black clothes to funerals, for example. The way they dress is the outward sign (mourning) of what is going on within their minds (grief). A person habitually wearing black or dark clothes is sending the message to the world that he or she is "grieving." Crying or frowning are other outward forms of mourning.

Rev. Jeffrey Brundage counsels at Living Foundation Ministries in Blue Springs, Mo. He said the heavy grieving process tends to take about a year. "And it's cyclical within that year. You grieve, and then the grieving lets up somewhat. Then you go through the process all over again, but hopefully each time you grieve with less and less intensity," he explained.

Despite the lessening intensity of grief, researchers at the Mayo Clinic claim that grief is a lifetime experience. Although the cycle of grief lessens within a year of losing a loved one, a person never fully "recovers" from grief.

"We are told that time heals all wounds. Not totally true. I'm not quite sure who said that, but whoever did gave us misinformation. Time makes your acute, searing pain less intense. Time makes your red-hot emotions less painful. But your feelings of loss and emptiness may never completely go away. If you question this, ask any parent whose child has died, even if that death occurred 60 years ago," Creagan said.

Although a person may grieve forever, there are ways to make grieve more bearable, ways to find a new sense of normalcy in life.

Countryman recommends sitting down and simply reflecting on the loss. "Most people hit the ground running," she said. "They try to keep themselves busy. Even though it's painful, it's important to sit down and give yourself time to grieve. Otherwise you may become depressed and withdrawn," she said.

When a person is grieving, it's a time to be selfish. It's okay to cry or let other people know what is being experienced in that moment. By being open and authentic to emotions, genuine healing can begin to soothe away the pain.

Countryman also recommends returning to routines. Going back to work, reinvesting in life and making new plans for the future are all ways to make sense out of grief.

Developing a support system is another important step.

Being a support to someone who is grieving may help a person find solace in his or her own grief. Various support groups exist within the Kansas City area. There are numerous support groups online, as well. One such online group is griefnet.org. This online community links grieving individuals with other people suffering from the same type of loss. From suicide to murder to illness to infant deaths, and everything in between, a group of listeners can be formed to bring strength to hurting emotions.

Brundage, who describes himself as a Christian counselor, also recommends that people find solace within their faith community. In his case, he points others to a relationship with God. "The key is prayer and taking the grief burden to God," he said.

Regardless of what a person's spiritual beliefs are, a network of other believers is a viable means of making sense out of death.

In addition to support groups and relationships within a faith community, most psychologists simply suggest patience.

"Our minds tend to play tricks on us when we lose someone," Countryman said. "We start thinking about what we did or did not do, how we performed or failed to perform. We start thinking thoughts like 'If I had just stayed at the hospital longer,' or 'if I had only done this. . .' There is a lot of guilt that goes along with grieving."

No matter what did or did not happen or what a person said or failed to say, learning to let go and forgive is the best way to learn how to live with grief. Forgiveness begins with oneself. Unless a person forgives, they will get stuck on their grief.

"Grieving is a process," Countryman said. It's a process that begins with powerful emotions and involves patience. Grieving is a process that takes time and that may never end. By learning to say "it's okay" to have a lack of words or to feel the searing void of guilt, a person begins to move on and to learn how to smile again.

There may be no words to express grief, but there are ways to overcome the pain and to once again find meaning in life. A body may quiver in its painful emotions and the eyes may become stained with tears, but there is hope for a better tomorrow, in spite of the tears and in spite of the sorrow.