How to Choose the Right Dates

The palms of your hands are sweaty. You thrust them into the pockets of your jeans, hoping your blind date won't notice how nervous you are. Suddenly you realize that your throat feels like a dried-out wad of cotton. You swallow hard and force a smile onto your face.

You know absolutely nothing about this person.

"So why are you so nervous?" you ask yourself. Your thoughts focus on all the past losers you've known and dated, attractive dates in the beginning who turned out to be virtual psychos. "Why are you so nervous?" you ask yourself again. "This is probably loser number 37."

But you're tired of dating losers.

One of the benefits of online dating is the screening process. Instead of going out on dozens of mismatched dates, you can weed out the potential losers up front.

This doesn't mean the screening process is an exact science. Some men and women who use online dating services deliberately lie about themselves. Those lies may not be detected until the first face-to-face meeting. But there are methods that will help weed out at least the majority of "bad" dates.

What do you do?

Start with what you know you want in a date.

Decide what characteristics you are looking for in a lover, friend, or spouse. Be clear about what type of person you'd be interested in. Does religion matter? Kids? Smoking? Drinking? Finances? Specific personality traits?

Ask yourself the entire series of questions and be honest with yourself. Do overweight men or women turn you off? Do you like your dates to be within a certain age range? How close do you want your date to live relative to your home?

Be honest.

The fact is that there will literally be dozens or even hundreds of prospective spouses, lovers, and friends parading their profiles and photos across your computer screen. It helps to begin with a clear image of what you're looking for.

Although honesty is important in this phase, you also have to be realistic. You will be dealing with real people who have feelings, flaws, insecurities, talents, and lovely traits. Choose to have a healthy mix of reality sprinkled in with your ideal dating image. Remember that your fantasy lover is just that--a fantasy.

Your profile is the next crucial piece of the package. Who are you? Create an excellent profile that describes your personality and background and includes details about who and what you are looking for. Every word of your profile needs to be authentic. Do not hint. Be precise in your wording. A well-crafted profile will automatically weed out hundreds of potential losers on the spot.

Type in specific personality traits when doing your own online searches. Remain true to your ideal traits, yet open to minor differences.

The next step takes time.

Initiate dialogue with those prospects that match your initial screening requirements. Spend several weeks or even months getting to know the potential date. Ask questions and be open to their own questions. The goal here is to try to get to know the person before you waste your time on an offline date.

Think of this phase as the "pre-date."

Your online chats, e-mails, or even voice conversations are like mini-dates, designed to help break the ice. If you detect any lies, perceive any contradictions, or in any way pick up any bad vibes, steer clear immediately. Unless you have no self-respect, chances are your gut will tell you if this person is a "reject."

Most online daters learn more about each other in a shorter period of time than traditional "real life" daters do. It typically takes several traditional dates before you really catch a glimpse of the other person's character. This is not so with a cyber date. The physical separation coupled with the blinking words on the computer screen seems to encourage daters to relax.

Expect your prospective date to let his or her guard down at some point early on in the dialogue phase. Once the ice has been broken, you will begin to see tiny peaks into that person's real time persona.

Remember to ask for a photo of the prospective date that was taken less than six months earlier. Some online dating service users post photos that were taken several years or pounds ago. You need every factual detail that will help you decide if this is the right match. Sometimes an accurate photo makes all the difference.

Do not share personal contact information during this "get to know you" phase. Your e-mails should be anonymous. That means you should never give out your primary e-mail address early on during the pre-date process. (After all, you could be talking to a stalker! You simply need to get to know the person before divulging personal information.)

Take it slowly. Be on the lookout for any and all red flags. The slower the screening process goes, the more likely this person will turn out to be your ideal match. Rushed meetings almost always lead to disappointment.

Are you really tired of dating losers? Then decide what you want, take it slowly, and listen to your feelings and intuition. You may still sit across from your date with sweaty palms, a cottonmouth, and a nervous pang in your stomach. But next time you may also be sitting across from that one winner you've always been looking for.